yay i have so much awesome excitement on deck i can barely move.

there are a few who now know of my secret plans to be awesome in new and exciting ways and i’m so thankful for their support. i’m learning more about myself every day as i do this, and also taking the long view look at what this all means for my life. sustainability is key. balance, as always, is key. keeping my center is key. i’ve got more keys than a high school janitor.

just a few other little things that i don’t have to talk about so vaguely here.

watchables: saw the Avengers and absolutely loved it. i’m impressed by Joss Whedon’s directing and writing. it was a lot of bits to juggle and i think he did it well. also watched the first episode of Sherlock (season 1, i’m behind) and omg, loved it. and i think i found a new, sort-of-guilty pleasure in the UK version of Being Human. much more dramatic than i expected and i kind love the characters a little.

the parts where i’m a little unhappy: i’m feeling the pull of some sort of diet, but don’t know what to do with that right now. i just don’t have the energy to put my attention there. i may try to eat a little better, just to keep the situation from getting any worse. i’m also bored with music, which makes me really sad. i’ve got a lot of crap on my itunes and i was supposed to be getting a new computer this year but started the secret project instead, so no fresh start to  my music library until next year. yeah, i could just dump stuff, but that requires more time sorting it all out. not a priority.

the part where things are okay: i’m reading a ton, though not always what i want to read. still, words are surrounding me and there is a definite build going on. i’m doing shit-tons of coding, which i love one day and loathe the next. i don’t know if i’ll ever find the balance there, but i take it as it comes. my spiritual self is in pretty good shape. i’m definitely doing the work, though it’s hard, make no mistake.

that’s my current nutshell, written down for posterity and for myself.

i often get frustrated with my internal timing. i’ll come across something that inspires me, but the majority of the time this happens, i’m at work and can’t act on it. unfortunately, this even happens with work-related stuff.

this morning was a great example. i had to look something up about a jQuery function and in doing so, i could have easily gotten sucked down the coding rabbit hole and learned a bunch of new stuff. with much sadness, i had to let that go and get back to the immediate task at hand.

you would think that i should be able to maintain that little spark of enthusiasm and get back to it later when i had time in the afternoon, or when i got home. i just can’t seem to work that way with this stuff. if i see something cool, i need to jump on it, strike while the iron is hot, so to speak. my mind is in the right place to absorb the information and by the time the time  appears, i’ve moved on to something else.

it’s sad and i’m not sure what to do about it except keep myself open and looking for a solution.

i’ve all but abandoned some of my favorite web haunts. this makes me very sad, even though it’s for a very good reason. see, i’m starting a small press. omfg, did i just say that out loud? yes. yes, i did. squee.

so, with all the planning, web designing, organizing, figuring out tax things, and generally trying to herd cats, i’ve had to take a good, hard look at where my priorities are at the moment. i read a quote recently, and it really sums up what i’m trying to do here, as far as my time goes:

“Instead of saying “I don’t have time” try saying “it’s not a priority,” and see how that feels. Often, that’s a perfectly adequate explanation. I have time to iron my sheets, I just don’t want to. But other things are harder. Try it: “I’m not going to edit your résumé, sweetie, because it’s not a priority.” “I don’t go to the doctor because my health is not a priority.” If these phrases don’t sit well, that’s the point. Changing our language reminds us that time is a choice. If we don’t like how we’re spending an hour, we can choose differently.”

see the difference? i know it sounds kind of subtle, but for me it’s making a HUGE difference in how i run my life. perfect is example is what time i get up in the morning. rather than roll around like a sad sack until i’m late and running around the house like headless poultry (ew.) i’ve started setting my alarm waaaaay early and getting up not long after it goes off. i get a good 45 minutes to an hour of time to edit my novel, research a few things for the press, or just lay in bed and think things through before i have to get ready for work. that little bit of time for myself has made things easier, because i get to start the day with something i really want to do.

i’ve also put much more emphasis on making sure i read every day, and not just the little half hour during lunch, either. good, solid reading time (often in bed before i go to sleep) means that i’m taking those tiny steps towards building the writing and reading and editing life i want to live. does it mean i’m knitting less and maybe not having as much fun screwing around on the internet as i might like? yup. it sure does. but i have to admit that i’m really enjoying getting lost in my books right now.

the intensity of these experiences won’t last. i know at least some of it is a fixation that will shift. underneath it all, though, i know some of it will stick. my writing urges are bubbling under the surface, just waiting until the press launches. i’d love to take a day off and just play video games and organize my comics and clean my hard drive up (yes, that’s fun for me). and i think the time will come, not too long from now, when i can put those things higher up on the priorities list.

for now, though, i’m very please with finding the little systems that make my life run more smoothly.  i’m getting things done that i want to get done, things that will help me in the long run to become a better writer, a better reader. i don’t feel like i’m not getting anywhere anymore. the progress will never be as fast as i’d like, but i can say that i am assuredly using my time wisely.

holy crap! i forgot to post this and it happened ages ago! i was interviewed about Luna Station Quarterly! my first ever interview! you can read it here: Feminist Fiction Friday

fyi,  i’m adopting the principles outlined on the page linked by this lovely little icon.

Blogging Without Obligation! yay! permission to blog when i damn well feel like it because my blog is not a treadmill. yeah, that works for me.

so, i’ve been doing some amazing stuff in my spiritual life lately, and i’ve also gone way, way inner, exploring some core things that make me who i am. i’m trying to understand how my brain works, because yo, it is not like everyone else’s brain. nope. mine’s special.

i’m slowly accepting that i am firmly on the Asperger’s spectrum. huge deal, right? run down the list of symptoms and you find me outlined before your eyes. except i can’t look into your eyes because eye contact makes me edgy.

what does something like this mean for me? well, first come a ton of “Ah-ha!” moments where i understand why i do the things i do, talk the way i talk, and can’t let things go. it also explains my high intelligence and low socializing ability. i understand now why i get stuck, and ramble on about, details until everyone around me runs screaming for the hills.

i’m not way, way far on the spectrum, so most people probably don’t even realize something’s different about me. i’m just the quiet woman who reads a lot. it only comes to the surface when i start talking about my life and views and how i move through the world.

now, i know those of you who only know me online are currently going “WTF?” because you all see me as communicative and very sociable and friendly. and you get to see how smart and funny i can be. that’s because it’s online and i can think through my answers and process things with a bit of distance. the internet was built in a way that people like me can really thrive. thank goodness!

those that know me in person will immediately start going “Ohhhh, yeah, I can see this” because you love me and you have dealt with my unusualness for as long as i’ve known you. thank you, dear ones, and i’m sorry for when i seem crazy.

i’m learning that this doesn’t make me broken and in some ways makes me uniquely suited to certain things. it makes me even more grateful for the friends and family i have and now that they know what’s going on, they’re already making certain provisions for adapting to my behaviors rather than just watching helplessly as i struggle. this is huge for me and makes me love them all the more.

my world is shifting under my feet right now, and i really appreciate everyone’s patience while i figure things out. i’m just really glad i don’t have to ask myself “What is wrong with me?” anymore. the answer is something, and nothing.

btw, i waffled about posting this, oh, about a thousand times, but said “fuck it” and that’s why you get to read this. yay!

so, the blog has new digs. i decided a splash page would best serve my needs for the moment and this stripped-down version of my blog is the way to move forward.

this is part of that whole curating thing i’ve been rambling on about lately. and as i built the pretty new homepage, i realized that all my odd little experimental web creatures are spread far and wide all over my server. not gonna clean those up right now, but it is definitely going on my to-do list for soon.

words and writing are definitely on their way, along with a secret project that’s been germinating for months now. i’m still working away, getting my plate cleared of the yearly website redesigns and i’m doing my best to enjoy the process and embrace the challenges.

building that splash page today was a huge part of that, and i was really surprised at how quickly it came together. i had designed in months ago and figured it would take a weekend to build properly. instead of a weekend, it only took a few hours and that was including moving my blog over to this new address. there’s a website framework i’ve been using called ‘Foundation’ by a company called Zurb and it’s been saving my bacon on these projects.

of course, it’s very grid-based, so it’s not going to work for everything, but it has definitely lived up to it’s ‘rapid prototyping’ purpose. i’ve used it well beyond prototyping and launched three sites using it so far and i have to say i’m a little in love with it. responsive, logical markup with a very nice set of built-in styles, it’s answered all those problems i’ve had with every other grid system i’ve come across.

yup. uber-geek. that’s me.

next up is some serious maintenance work on Luna Station. this always makes me a little nervous because the CMS i’m using is not the most intuitive piece of code to ever cross my path. still, it is very powerful and handles my needs for LSQ perfectly. every time i think about switching it to WordPress, i look at my needs and find that Drupal is still the winner. now i just need to follow through with some adjustments to the site that i’ve been meaning to make for the last year and i’ll stop fiddle-faddling with it for a while.

in fact, i’m off to do that now.

this morning is all about The National and Frank Chimero. the former because it is peaceful music and will help me get through the morning. the later because of all of last night’s talk of curating.

Mr. Chimero is the inspiration for my own drive to declutter my life. He wrote a couple of blog posts a while back that made lightbulbs go on all over my head. I just wanted to link to a few pertinent points here while i’m thinking of them.

In regards to nerds and their (including his) habit of perpetually ‘fiddle-faddling’ with their computer set ups:

A person only flails around in regards to their rig when they don’t have a clear idea of what constitutes their work. Suitability and fit is paramount, and one is never going to find what they’re looking for if they don’t know what they need.

- from ‘The Setup‘

so Chimero went down to a MacBook Air, because that was all he needed. but before you start thinking he’s some kind of hardcore minimalist, i refer you to his follow-up post ‘Your Shit, My Stuff, Goldilocks, and Making the Bed You Sleep In‘ where he talks about ‘adding things until it starts sucking, taking things away until it stops getting better.’

If something takes a physical form, it must fill a need. These needs can be emotional needs or the needs of day-to-day life. I need a broom to sweep my apartment, but I also need that painting by my friend Pete on my wall because it reminds me of my friends in Chicago and also what it was like when I was first setting up my design practice.

i’m so glad i have access to these posts. they’re a tool to aid me in separating out what needs to stay and what needs to go and also a reminder that there are things hidden away that should have more place of pride in my life.

When we choose to have physical objects in our life, we need to make sure the need is real. Is that art really filling an emotional need if it’s in a drawer and not on display?

it’s 11:30 on a Sunday night. the rest of the world seems to have enjoyed the Super Bowl, or at least those who were just watching for the commercials or the winning side.

i am sitting here at my trusty old computer, contemplating how to curate my files. i’m cleaning up my junk folder (you know the one) and planning for my new laptop. in doing this, i want to streamline my digital life a bit, toss that which no longer serves.

i would love to do some of that for my physical stuff as well. the books aren’t going anywhere, nor are the action figures, but there is most definitely some detritus that could be trimmed and more than a few boxes in the basement that hold things i no longer need in my life.

i think this is where the iphone is going to come in very handy. i tend toward pack rat more often than not, even for things i really don’t need to save. for most of it, it’s about having that memory touchstone. yes, i have an elephant’s memory for things, but it’s still nice to have that little reminder, or to simply see something that sparks one of the few memories i’ve forgotten.

but let’s face it, much as i loved the Power Puff Girls (even though i was an adult when they showed up) i don’t really need to keep a package of napkins with them on it. a while back, i narrowed it to one napkin. i still think they’re cute and empowering and awesome and i don’t want to forget about them.

perhaps there’s another way to go about this instead of ferreting away that piece of paper in the basement where i’ll never see it except when sorting boxes. perhaps taking a picture and building an archive that i can sort through (and carry with me) would be even more useful than hoarding it.

so, in the end, i’ll probably have even more digital files, but less physical stuff. more access to those touchstones, and perhaps a way to use them to greater advantage.

but then, i think about the speed of technology and how quickly file formats become obsolete and the ephemeral nature of our digital lives and i wonder if pixels will fill the void left behind once the physical is gone.

and maybe part of this is about getting older and trying to move more freely through the world now that i know myself so much better. and i’m sure that more than a little of me is trying to cling to things because i had so much taken from me once that i’m reluctant to let anything go now, if i have the choice.

and perhaps it’s getting late and these thoughts are way too deep for 11:45 and i should just clean up what i have and let these thoughts marinate for a while longer.